When I inherited a friend’s huge library, I had to make some hard decisions about what to keep. In the limited space I currently occupy, my rule is if something comes in something goes out. Which meant I couldn’t keep all the currently owned books if I kept all the inherited ones. What I could do was create a stack that I would release after reading. And so began the process of shedding.

The whole collection needed to be filtered through a grid of questions.

• Which no longer serve me?
• Which no longer interest?
• Which have already become integrated in my life?

By reevaluating my own personal library, I made room for the new books. Then, I released what I could not use to family and friends or other venues of circulation.

This is much like the information that holds space in our minds. The thoughts in our minds take up not only mental real estate, but our precious energy.

I have become friends with a woman in my neighborhood who reminds me of myself in my late 20s. A few weeks back there had been an incident regarding a bird’s nest containing three eggs.

My very empathetic friend, Lila, had become attached to the robin who’d built the nest. Lila believed that she and the robin shared a spiritual connection. Every day, Lila checked on the eggs. During the course of building maintenance, the nest disappeared.

When Lila heard about this, she texted me, emotionally overwhelmed.  We got together to talk it out. Lila poured out her heart and a good many tears. When I felt we were at the end of processing the tragedy, I changed the subject.  Lila’s countenance immediately brightened, and we had a cheerful conversation.

But then, she circled back to the nest she believed to be destroyed. With that came all the emotions and tears and a repeat of all that she’d said about it before. She used terms that brought her heartbreak and started crying all over again. I redirected Lila several more times, but I couldn’t keep her from running back to those painful thoughts. If she didn’t stop replaying the tape, she’d be stuck in a negativity loop.

Where I Used to Be

I used to be just like Lila. I didn’t have control over my thoughts, and I used to wallow in sad memories. The bigger the event, the longer I was stuck there. One particular event had me reliving the details over and over for months, constantly grieving a significant loss. Someone close who cared about me kindly asked, “How long are you going to grieve this?”

I didn’t know the stages of grieving then, denial, mourning the loss, accept the change and moving forward. Losses should be grieved. It is healthy to mourn each one. But like Lila, I got stuck.

Finding the lesson and moving on is not painting smiley faces over painful events, pretending they didn’t hurt. Any loss can hurt a great deal. What hurts me may not hurt you. What hurts Lila may not affect me as deeply as it does her.

Instead of mourning the loss forever, I can take away the benefit of a negative experience. To move through the process, I could have given that event a “proper funeral.”  I could have written out what is was like going through it, or what lesson or insight I gained from it.

A benefit could be gaining a new way of looking at something, or that I learned something about myself, or how to do something differently. Sometimes that won’t be recognized until later.

In Lila’s case, she might be grateful that she has the ability to build trust with small animals, that she enjoyed a unique connection to the robin. Even if it didn’t end the way she hoped it would, she can begin to make peace with the truth. She can give that event a proper funeral. Maybe she performs a burial ritual with stones representing the eggs, or says a prayer, or writes a poem or story. Because the nest disappeared, she could rewrite the ending with a more positive twist. These exercises help Lila process and release negative energy.

Such a process had helped many people deal with circumstances. I came home in a bad mood and began venting to my husband. I kept circling back, just as Lila did. On my third go round, my husband looked at his watch.

“You have fifteen minutes to rant all you want about this. But at the end of that time, it’s finished.” Basically he laid down a time limit for how long I could allow it to wreck my day.

It should go without saying that all losses are not equal, and some will need way more than fifteen minutes. Obviously, this wouldn’t work in all circumstances, but you’d be surprised how many it does work for.

What this means for you

We empower what we focus on. By accepting what cannot be changed the focus shifts toward moving on. The acceptance statements of Women for Sobriety are some great words to live by. Number four is: “Problems only bother me to the degree I permit.” You take control of your mind and free up energy by shedding thoughts that don’t serve you. I am in charge of my mind and my thoughts and my life. I don’t have to dwell on things that hold me back, make me feel bad, or impede my growth.

My loss event affected several years of my life. Now it’s simply part of my personal experience. Lila’s life doesn’t need to be impacted long term over the loss of a bird nest. By the time Lila was in tears for the fifth time in two hours, I made a confession.

“I’m very sad about the bird nest. But no matter what I do, nothing can bring it back. I can’t give this anymore energy.”  The better you are at shedding the quicker you recognize what is worthy of your time and attention. If the new thing that comes in isn’t something I don’t want to live with long term, I release it back into circulation. By releasing the unnecessary, you free your mind.

Have you ever been stuck in a negativity loop? How did you break out? Leave your comments below. Thanks for stopping by, I love these little chats. See you again soon!