Did you know the resonant frequency of being authentic is higher than the vibration of love? Even though I didn’t know it at the time, nearly two years ago, in my being something was off. I was hitting a crescendo of something that happened even a few years earlier. Because you were faithfully following, and maybe even left the door open hoping for my return, I feel you deserve an explanation for why I’ve failed to post for over a year.

Midway through a certification program for ghostwriting in 2019, two new clients had just signed on. Although my husband didn’t understand why I was thrilled about turning this new branch of my business into a full-time gig, he was supportive. By the end of the year, he was admitted to ER, battling for his life. I remember there was snow on the ground when he passed three days later. Hanukkah came and went but the rest of his family did not.

Before the end of that year, rumors of the strange illness we all know of now had already started leaking out of China. You were there in March of 2020, when the earth began skidding sideways. You remember what it was like.

However, I was grateful for fascinating clients who kept me busy working 10 sometimes 12 hour days. Between client meetings, writing deadlines, blog posts, and navigating widowhood, I easily justified my schedule. There was no one to tell me when to eat, stay in, go out or go to bed.

As 2020 became 2021, this grueling schedule was less workable. I struggled to write fresh stimulating blog posts. Health scares continued and society seemed to devolve, I found less to talk about. As someone used to being upbeat and inspired, I found it difficult to admit to myself that I didn’t feel either of those things. All my posts sounded Pollyanna to my own ears. My subject matter didn’t seem to fit the times.

I disconnected from all media and news sources. I’d often joked about hibernate when I had public facing jobs. It was easy working from home with no television. But now I wanted to sleep all the time. Without indulging that, I plowed through a past blog post of the things I’d suggested to others meant to pull them out of their blues. When that stopped working, about two years later, I had to admit to myself that I was depressed. What happens when the encourager gets bummed out?

I stopped posting altogether.

What I wanted was the familiar voice of my husband to recite what he always said after an argument, “We’ll get through this.” Now that he was gone, I needed to hear, “It’s going to be alright.” If someone said it, I’d find a way to believe it. I’d find some way to make it true. But nobody was saying it then.

Even though I spent many nights listening to the walls hum, the wind howl, and firecrackers that became gunshots, I never felt alone. The Creator of the Universe (YHWH, YeHoVaH, God) was with me. He never let go of me, nor did I dare let go of Him.

During this floundering, I found an oasis of peace. From there I began writing my own personal nonfiction book. Under the halogen light of bare-faced honesty, I spent over a year examining and sifting through my difficult and complicated past. Within each scenario, I now saw YHVH in every scrape I could recall. I didn’t know looking back from my current vantage point would affect me the way it did.

I didn’t how important it was to know where I came from. As strange as it may sound, working with a genealogist brought an unexpected measure of soul healing. It resolved much of the inner conflict I had about my faith, family, career, and myself. It didn’t hurt to find several famous writers in the family tree. (Shakespeare and Twain to name a few.)

I have not always believed in a powerful, loving creator. In early adulthood, there were many times I felt abandoned, orphaned and very alone in the world. After considering those significant, devastating events long past, the evidence of His presence during them is now clear. The experiences and lessons learned all played a part in bringing me to this very moment.

Like a mosaic, each piece fit together to make me who I am for this very time. Nothing has been wasted. While in absentia, I sought sources for encouragement and saw how few there are. In the recent past, the need for encouragement has only grown with more people than ever looking for reassurance and hope.

As I recovered from my own “dark night of the soul,” I saw the words, “It’s going to be alright.” Suddenly, I knew my purpose. And I began writing again. This won’t be easy, but we can encourage each other. It may not fix everything, but you won’t be alone. If you’re still struggling, let’s encourage each other. Since you’re here, I have to ask, how are you doing? What is one thing that’s helped you get through the last three years?

Anyway, you deserved an explanation. If you’re reading this today, thanks for hanging in there. I hope you’ll come back in a few weeks for the next post and the ones after that. Because insights are wonderful, but the joy is doubled when shared. See you soon.