There are times I’ve looked at my life and seen only lost opportunities, broken relationships, and devastating mistakes. My attempts to move forward in different careers or straighten out finances were tripped up by numerous setbacks and delays. Even now, I can point to others who raised their children better, found their perfect mate and lived in the same house all of their adult life. Just because my life experience is different, does that make it “less than?”

What Others See

If you are in one trial after another, being objective about the life you have can be complicated. The difficulties you face can either make you or break you. How you deal with those difficulties can encourage or discourage others. What lessons can be pulled from what I call a “non-linear” life?

When I participated in a weekly single mom’s group shortly after my first divorce, one single mother always asked how I was doing. In that season I was paying special attention to my words. She asked me every week. I could have responded a thousand different ways. But I heard a word that resonated with me. It wasn’t really how my life was going, but how I wanted it to go. It didn’t matter if I’d just had the most hellish week of my life, I responded the same way every time they asked.

“FABULOUS!”

The leader of our eclectic group seemed visibly chagrined every time I said it. Unbeknownst to me, she made up an entire narrative about how my life must be. In this woman’s mind, I was 15 years younger than my driver’s license, naïve and had never endured a rough day in my single mom life — let alone the rest of it. From her perspective, I had an easy life.

Shortly after that divorce, I determined that I’d find one positive thing in each day. My focus shifted from the few things that were wrong, to all the things that were going right. By counting my blessings, I often cheered myself up. I’d found the ability to recognize God’s sovereign fingerprints on my daily situations. With that mindset, I cheered up other single moms struggling through their weeks. What all of us wanted was hope.

Years later

Eventually, the group leader and I finally sat down for a one on one. Turns out, she wasn’t the only one who’d made up a whole story about another woman’s life. I was convinced she had it all together because she and her children always looked scrubbed, well dressed, and she was so articulate. She had “well-to-do” written all over her. She appeared to be amazingly calm, grounded and blessed with the enviable statuesque physique.

We exchanged stories. She struggled for decades with depression and eating disorders, and carried an enormous burden of shame for being divorced with a young son.

She was stunned to learn that I was in my 40s, not my 20’s as she thought. She hadn’t known that my daughter and I lived thirty minutes away from everyone and rarely had money beyond pocket change. As a new potter launching a business, I often struggled with whether to buy a box of clay or groceries.

As for the rest of my easy life, she was stunned to learn I’d placed my first child with adoptive parents, survived my parent’s divorce and the aftermath of a very close relative’s suicide attempts. Additionally, my family dynamic had been described as the barroom scene in Star Wars (original first movie). Once we understood what the other had really lived through, we had a new appreciation of each other and became dear friends.

“Why would you say you were doing fabulous?” I explained that as a single mom I wasn’t so much as faking it until I made it as much as trying to be grateful for every good thing because it was tied to my hope that things would get better. We laughed at how little we knew about each other.

Instead of seeing the mess, I saw the incredible strength it took for her to just wake up and put lipstick on each day. What she saw was someone who wasn’t letting circumstances affect her joy. That it is possible adopt a mindset that helped her transcend them.

What this means for you

When you start getting down on yourself, try spending time with people you trust, or at least, someone who knows you pretty well. Ask them some questions to find out how others see you. What you think of as your “disastrous life” may look exotic to someone else. Try these conversation starters:

• What are some good things you see in my life?
• What do you see as my strengths?
• What talents or abilities do you notice?

They may not see your struggles, but your perseverance. They may view your perseverance not as foolish, but as faithful. They may not see your failures as disasters but as a mosaic of resilience. They may see your repeated attempts to succeed as patience or diligence. They may see you not as slow but as thorough, and your life as a beautiful thing.

It has always been insightful to hear from my friends about what they see reflected in me. It reframes my situation in a light that helps me appreciate where I am and what I’ve learned. The lessons we’ve learned along the way benefit others who struggle similarly. What we become is a repository of experiences that can be shared.

Thanks for stopping by. It’s always good talking with you, thanks for listening. Share your thoughts in the comment box below. I look forward to seeing you next time.