The baseball game blared from a portable television and everything in my apartment reeked of cigarette smoke:  courtesy of a roommate for whom I didn’t harbor good feelings. I woke up one day to an iteration of my life that wasn’t pretty. Not much food in the pantry, all of my socks had holes in them, working two part-time jobs in food service with no real future. My misery was a Molotov cocktail of depression and sarcasm (to hide abandonment issues) with a side of destructive habits topped off with a serious eating disorder. Every day felt gray.

My poisonous habits were all the more attractive–being highly available (if pricey) forms of escape–because I had no real plan for my life. At the time, I didn’t think it could get worse, but also believed it would never get better.

As a young waitress what power did I have? Who would listen to me? Did my life even matter? Was I only able to let life happen to me? For a few moments a dark future played out before my eyes. On my current trajectory, life was one pointless tragedy after another, misery stacked upon misery. I wanted to end my life because I hated so much about it. That life seemed not worth living.

As I contemplated this, questions arose. Was there truly nothing I wanted to accomplish, to do or to see? Was there anything at all, no matter how farfetched, that I hoped for?  Did I actually want to die?  After a lengthy consideration, I realized no, I did not really want to not exist..

I wanted the pain in my heart to end

There was one thing that came to mind that I wanted: I’d only seen the ocean once and thought I’d like to see it again. There were a few other half-baked dreams like being a rock star. I couldn’t sing, had stage fright and wrote morose, freestyle poetry. Would making more money make me happy? I loved writing, but was it enough to keep me going?

At my desk I wrote, What I would do if money were no object. Hopefulness began stirring. Dreaming is a little like hitting the lottery. Instead of buying anything you want, you can dream anything you want. Living near the ocean topped the list. Feeling a lot more optimistic, I wrote for another hour. Then I wrote another question that hit closer to home.

What can I do right now to make my life better?  The first most pressing issue was getting the freeloader out of my apartment. As I wrote out some daring options, I began feeling a giddy, intoxicating power. I was taking my power back–but it would require changes, take effort and would require a lot of bravery.

Am I enough?

While I pondered taking my power back, I listed my accomplishments. I thought about who I’d been before each one. At the beginning of all of them, I had entertained a lot of doubt. I remembered all that it would take for each one to occur, how I’d fretted, formed a plan and moved ahead. In the end, I’d achieved quite a list. Impressive enough for me to believe I could do anything if I put my mind to it. I focused on how I’d feel reaching another goal. I kicked the freeloader out.

Letting life happen or taking control were options. I had to choose. I could take a lot more responsibility. I could create goals, plan actionable steps and envision dreams and outcomes. Or I could walk away. That was a turning point that set me on a course for a very different life. Then, I moved 800 miles away. And, I’d do it again, it was that life-changing. And for several years, I lived about 35 minutes from the beach.

What does this mean for you?

You’re an amazing being. When you truly want to find a solution, nothing can stop you. When you’re desperate enough, you can be extremely creative. You don’t need dire circumstances to break out of complacency. If you can reach a place of quiet resolve you can often reason out better options. I didn’t want to end my life. I wanted my circumstances to change.

Change the station! Solutions may look very different than you imagined, or be uncomfortable at first. Don’t let your feelings stop you. I’d been in a circle of depressed and sarcastic people and believed there were no opportunities for me in that city. Moving to another city gave me a fresh start. Are you living the life you always dreamed of? If not, what steps would it take to get you closer to it? Empower yourself by doing something that scares you to death! Public speaking, switching jobs, moving to a new city, changing routes or routines, traveling, or anything else that breaks you out of a rut can get your brain thinking in new ways. If you start with the most painful or difficult choice first, you’ll feel empowered to do many more.

When you reach the point of wanting to end it all, you’re ready for a radical change. Don’t be afraid to try something totally radical. After all, you were just contemplating having no life at all. If you can’t think through possibilities, reach out to your most trusted friend. List some options even if they seem too farfetched. More ideas will come to you.

Think through what you can live with. Every minute that passes cannot be retrieved. Importantly, the people in your life who may be directly affected by your choices may be unhappy with them. My family didn’t want me to move so far away. but it was exactly what I needed to do.

This is your one shot. With whatever breath you have, squeeze as much joy out of this life as you can. Make it count for something. Turn the key and hit the gas.

Thanks for stopping by! Want to add your two cents? Toss your comments in the box below and let’s start a conversation. I look forward to seeing you next time!